Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
