I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You smell like a Billy Joel song
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
