come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
