I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
