I faked an abortion last night.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
