The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
