I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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