he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
