Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
