Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
birth control should be required to get into college
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
