you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
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Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
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I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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