porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
