Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.