At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.