so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
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Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
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He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.