I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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