Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
