hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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