1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
