Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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