mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
