Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
