laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
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We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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