I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.