my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.