dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
