It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
