i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
