he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
