1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.