Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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