Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
