end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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