this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
