there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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