i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
