if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
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Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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