I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
