Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She told me I should be a condom model.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
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She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
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Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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