i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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