When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
