i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
