i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
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he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.