How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
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Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
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Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.