Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
