babies were throwing up all over the place
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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