her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
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"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
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Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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