I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.