I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
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Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.