my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosť, bitch!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?