My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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