Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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