Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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