I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Operation Purity has been aborted
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
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Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
In other news, I just burned my penis
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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