My underwear smells like fireworks.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
